Archive for January, 2006

Lawn Bitch! Update my Blog!!!

Have I told you about the Lawn Bitch?

Ok, so near the end of the summer, after DP got her job and her hours went through the roof, our lawn started to go nuts. It was mostly a combination of no time and a lot of rain. One day, DP was delivering something at a clients house and she noticed that the yard was awesome so she asked about it. the 82 year old woman who owned the lawn told DP that her lawn was done by a middle aged gentleman on disability (we think he may be a war vet) who does this kind of thing and is always looking for extra money. So we called and thus begins the reign on the Lawn Bitch.

First of all, our lawn looked like the bomb! It was awesome! I think he may be obsessive compulsive. He then filled us in on everything else he does for basically pennies. He offered to clean and organize our garage, fix any little thing around the house, paint, stain the gazebo (we’ll probably take him up on that one!) then he informs us that what he doesn’t know how to do, his father does.

So, in our home, the Lawn Bitch is the answer to questions no one ever asked. Need your landscaping done? Call the lawn bitch! Have an electrical problem? Call the Lawn Bitch? Want hash browns from Burger King and you are too lazy to get up and get them yourself? Lawn Bitch! The law is after you for supposed bank robbery and you need someone to pretend to be you and stand trial? LAWN BITCH!!!

Everyone should have their own Lawn Bitch!


A fable for the ages

Come gather round children, it’s high time you heard… about a hero named Chrysalis and a Devil named…

Joanne Fabrics.

That’s right, Joanne Fabrics. Gather round as I weave for you my web of terror, of rage, of passion, of….


Our tale begins on a fairly warm day at the end of December. Filled with hope for the new year, our hero (that would be me) traverses with her trusty sidekick Seamstrette (that would be M) out in search of material with which to sew a curtain or two. As it stands, I hate the current color of my bedroom. I was all about it last year, but now the rich coco walls just feel like a cave threatening to close in on me, a yawning chasm in which all of my hopes and dreams may be swallowed, only to be burped up again into the abyss of nothingness. Clearly curtains are the antidote to this cesspool of desperation! So we find outselves at the mecca of fabric itself, Joanne. To make things even better, we find the PERFECT material with which to make the aforementioned savior curtains. Perfect color, perfect material, perfect everything. Oh and all for 60% off! So mind you once all is said and done, not only will the curtains be perfect, but they will be CHEAP! Like, 25 bucks a window cheap! I *KNOW*!!! So we take our woven perfection up to the cutting counter where the poor little mentally challenged girl behind the counter peeps for help when we ask her how much yardage we would need to create the angelic project. Enter the fabri-nazi. She literally barks at the poor girl, causing her to retreat to another customer and pours over Seamstrette’s sketch of the curtains intil she decides we need about 9 years of fabric to complete both windows. Sigh. Ok. So she goes to get the material and HORROR!!!!! There isn’t enough. In fact, someone has wrapped my perfect, angelic fabric over a large amount of inferior, substandard CRAP material, making it look like more. The craptastic fabrinazi dismisses us becasue aparently she does *not* need curtains to save her very soul and tell me to check a different store, that the sale was on until Monday.

Sigh. Fine.

So after ranting and raving that my entire life has been ruined by Joanne Fabrics poor management, I get myself together and drag poor unsuspecting DP out to the other store on Sunday. Seamstrette has stayed home. Well, we get there and there it is, in all of it’s bilowy, olive glory! My perfect material, available in BOTH colors needed to drag me out of the depths of hell! So, I take the aformentioned material up to the counter and tell the sweet ladies how much I need.

At which point the sweet ladies turn into the evil fabrinazis. (Who knew they were a race??) One takes one look at my roll, hears my request and barks out “nope”, as if just by looking at it she knows there is not enough. She was, however, WRONG! 9 yards, with 7 inches to spare. I am thrilled and begin to dance a jig of glee when…

The fabrinazi informes me that the material is not on sale. I assure her that I was told at the other store that it WAS on sale and that, in fact, I had seen the sign myself. The incredible rude fabrinazi begs to differ and smugly calls the other store where she is informed that no, the material was never on sale and that there was no sign! WHAT?!?!?! So I call Seamstrette who assures me that I am not crazy and that there was a sign and that likely, someone caught the mistake and took the sign down and now is denying all knowledge that there ever was a sign to begin with.

This steams me to no end. These people don’t even care that their organization has runined my LIFE!!!! So while I could have afforded the material at full price, I self rightously leave the store with my beautiful perfect life altering material on the counter and drag bewildered DP out of the store and on to about a zilllion home stores to look for something else.

Problem is that I can’t find anything else. Not even close. Nothing matches my perfect material for my perfect curtains.

So, it looks like I will be going back to the cess pool of evil to rescue my material, at full price. But you can bet your ASS that I will be waiting until the rude evil minions are not there! Or, I will send Seamstrette out to get the fabric in Cincinnati!

That’ll show ’em!!!!