Archive for April, 2006

School supplies and chicken bones

When Child’s school let out for Easter break, his teacher sent home a bunch of STUFF for us, the responsible parents, to do over the break. APPARENTLY, she did NOT get the memo, the I am NOT a responsible parent and that I would prefer to spend my sons break in a drug induced haze under the covers. Oh and biting the heads off bats.

Instead, I will be going through all of his school supplies and trying to determine which ones are “too worn out to use” and replacing them, while sending back the rest. A word on this: these supplies have been used by 5 year olds since the beginning of the year. Isn’t this REALLY just a trick to see which parent is the cheapest? Which parent will ACTUALLY send their child back with the old, snotted on, used up, worn out supplies??? Yes, I will win that medal. HEY! THEY’RE STILL GOOD!

Oh and then I will be making bones for the teacher to bury in the sand and for my child to dig up to learn about dinosaurs! This was on my list of things I wanted to do on Child break right after “dig the hemorhoid out of my ass”. The instructions for this project are so time consuming that the teacher had to actually preface them by telling us to look at it as an “adventure” and not a pain.

The instructions call for me to purchace a whole chicken and cook it for 3 hours (it makes a WONDERFUL broth!!!) and then let it cool for two. Pick off all the meat (use it in a casserole for your family!!) and return the bones to water and boil for another 2 hours and then cool again. Soak them overnight in bleach wather and then scrub them with a toothbrush, soap and water. Dry them and send them to school with your little love.

Hell, I don’t clean *Child* that thourougly. Can’t I send him with the half clean bones and he can say he found the dinosaurs that were only half eaten????

So the thought of my spring break tasks has exhausted me and I haven’t even drank my pigs blood yet. I told Child we were having McDonalds tonight. And we were eating it in front of the TV. And he could watch Blues Clues while he was eating, instead of having to converse with me. It was so relaxing and fun. In 5 years, Child has never been allowed to eat in front of the TV at my house… His dads is a different story. I just think that sitting at the table together is important. But not tonight. Fuck it. I was pushed over the edge by school suppies and chicken bones.

And then in an even freakier twist of fate that had Child beside himself with delight, After dinner, I let him play with his Leapster for a little bit while I sat down to check some things online. And I fell asleep. Again in the realm of things that never happen. Not just a doze, but sitting up, on my couch, hands on the keyboard, ASLEEP! For about a half hour. My darling son doesn’t get the nature of taking advantage of these things and he….. sat and played with his leapster. I might have slept all night until I heard his cute little voice, in hysterics, asking me if I was asleep.

The camera was on the table beside me. Good thing he hasn’t figured out how to use it!!!!

So, if anyone here wants to volunteer to go school supply shopping or to make dinosaur bones for me by the weekend, let me know. I will be in my bed, watching Jerry Springer, doing drugs and eating domestic animals, while my son shivers naked and hungry in his tiny little hole of a room. Like a good mother.