Archive for November, 2009

Wow. I suck.

Well, I’m sure it’s no suprise, but I let Dooce beat me in the race to the top of the blog list on this site. I kind of suck at keeping up with this blog. But I swear it’s going to be different this time! I swear!

Of course, it’s not going to be different this second. I am just really tired and considering that whining will not engage anyone but the Child, I think I’ll hold off until I can get you a real post.

Potential topic? What WOULD Jesus Do, and why do his followers have to ask?

Interigued? No? Ok, well, maybe something different then….

Good night!


Scientific Research

For a long time, I was nervous to take too many baths.


Well, my mother died of a brain tumor and SHE took a bath every single night.

Every night after dinner, my mother would go upstairs and pull out her blue vaseline bath salts and run a bath. The water would turn this awesome shade of blue and make all kinds of bubbles and I thought it was the greatest thing in the world. Sometimes I would sit up in the bathroom and talk to her while she soaked under the bubbles and sometimes I was bored and would go and play, but she always took her bath.

Then when I was a teenager, she got sick. Only no one knew she was sick. Every one thought she was depressed, because she couldn’t stay awake and she forgot things, sometimes minutes after she was told them. She forgot significant things. Like, that she had eaten. She also stopped taking her baths.

She died when I was 18 and for the longest time, I didn’t want to take baths because it made me too much like her and then I might die too. (SHUT UP, yes you WOULD think the same thing!) But much more recently, I have moved from being a die hard shower-er to a bath taker.

A few things about this. First of all, I am thinking that I was flawed in my assumption that  baths cause brain tumors. Yeah, oops! Second of all, wow, baths rock. I get why my mother took them every night, no matter what. That time in the bath is probably the most relaxing time of the day. Nothing can get to me in my bathtub!!! My super secret Fortress of  Solitude! Protector from all that is evil and DIRTY!

Also, smells good! And BUBBLES! Dude!

So. I am not a huge fan of the nightly bath. Of course, I need my own twist, and so I shower after I soak, to get the bubbles off and wash my hair. And I am pretty sure I don’t have a brain tumor! I’ve always been this off kilter! Go eccentric!! and paranoid!

However, now I am thinking that maybe it is NOT taking a bath that causes brain tumors. In which case, I totally side stepped a land mine by avoiding baths all that time. Because my research is valid and unquestionable. Like me spelling. Also, I think maybe it was my mom watching out for me that protected me from the non bath related brain tumors.

Thanks, mom!

Who’s the Boss?!

Last night as I was laying in bed, completely unable to sleep, I was composing the brilliant post in my head. It was all full of drama and intrigue and appropriately spelled words….serioulsy, it would have changed your life. CHANGED YOUR LIFE!!!

The thing is, I guess I was more asleep than I thought I was because I totally cannot remember the post at all. Not even the general idea of the post. In fact, maybe I only dreamed about the post. Which is just more proof I need a life, that I would dream about blogging.

So. Long story even longer (ok RL friends, who says that?), I have no life altering Post of Glory. Nothing.

However, my buddy over here has a blogroll on the side of her page. And everyday, whoever has updated their blog most recently automatically gets bumped to the top.

Oh yeah, you know where this is going. See, I’m not at that top back at the top again because I just updated my blog! I am just way too competitive to let someone else get to the top and STAY THERE!

Plus it will likely be the only time in my life ever that I will be above Dooce in anything that resembles the internet.

(But if there is ever a contest measuring “total sugar consumed” watch out, Dooce!!!)

Also, if I think of the life altering post, I promise I will post it. Even if it’s 2 in the morning and the post ends up being about french fries or “Who’s the Boss?”.

I never said it would be a GOOD change!

There but for the grace of god….

There but for the grace of God….

I absolutely hate that phrase with a passion. I think it’s one of the cruelest things you can say to a person. Seriously, I think it’s awful. So, imagine, that you are a drinker and one night you end up drunk and in an accident and paralyzed. Awful. And then you are sharing your story with some well meaning person who used to drink and they, thinking that they are full of compassion tell you that they would never judge, because “there but for the grace of God, go I”. Guess what? I’d rather be judged!

Because here’s the thing, if you haven’t already caught on to this. When you try to tell someone that you understand them but implying that it is only by god’s grace that you were never (fill in the blank), what you are actually saying is one of two things: 1) God’s grace is random and you just happened t be the recipient this time or 2) the other person simply wasn’t worthy of god’s grace and therefore they did not escape harm.

Let that sink in a minute. I am a well educated professional because I was born into a family that afforded me the opportunity to go to college. But this poor sap did not have those opportunities and I would feel bad for him but “there but for the grace of God…”. I mean, if God didn’t love me best, he could have birthed ME into that kind of situation and then what??? THEN WHAT??? Sickening.

My spiritual beliefs are not up for discussion. If you’re that interested, comment and I’ll email you. But I can tell you some of the things that my beliefs DON’T embrace:

The notion that god loves some of us better than others because we are a) a specific religion b) holier than thou. C) any other cockamamie reason you can think of

The notion that god has gender outside of how you perceive divinity. Meaning if your god is a woman, then She is a Goddess and that’s valid and real. I think we interface with the divine in a manner that has meaning to us. To apply a gender and then infer that the opposite of that gender is somehow subservient.

That there is a heaven and a hell. I think these “places” are absurd. For hell to exist, then religion would have to exist in absolutes and that is impossible, as religion is faith, not Truth. To further simplify this thought, answer me this? Who is going to hell? All the Catholics or all the Baptists? You know as well as I do that this depends on who you ask. Even the notion that serial killers go to hell is faulty, as it implies that the individuals soul is somehow “evil” and beyond redemption. As for Heaven, well organized religion ruined that for me. Apparently, heaven is not about humanity, it’s about dogma. It’s not who you are, it’s what you believe! No thanks.

That god(dess) somehow brings good things into our lives and somehow prevents bad things from happening, or any variant on that thought. Only humans could be that self absorbed. To clarify: If God(dess) brings good things into your life for whatever reason, then it again implies that you are somehow more blessed than other people who have bad things happen to them. And if god(dess) fails to protect you from the bad things in life for whatever reason, then somehow we are “less than” in the eyes of divinity. Puke. Here’s the facts. Shit happens. The only role divinity plays in that is how we handle the after effects. Faith provides comfort and strength. Not protection and luck.

That somehow those who believe in god(dess) are right. Arrogance. A persons belief in god(dess) does not make god(dess) exist. No one knows for sure. Believe what you believe but don’t demean others by assuming their wrong. That goes both ways, incidentally.

That divinity requires sacrifice or humiliation or that we are not capable of interfacing with the divine without the assistance of a clergy.

I could go on but I think you get the point. “There but for the grace of god…” It’s condescending and cruel. People who hold themselves up as somehow more holy or better equipped due to the touch of the divine make me want to puke. We are all human and therefore all flawed. We are not better loved because of what we believe. We do not require the grace of anything to be “saved” and there is no reason to believe that one belief system is any better than any other. Also that person who hurt you? Probably not going to hell. However if it make you feel better to think so, then I would never stand in your way. But please don’t stand in mine, either.

Don’t get me started on “Christians aren’t perfect, just forgiven”……


Ok, so I changed the theme on this blog. I will probably do that a lot because I am flaky like that.

So, I have been looking at the things that generate traffic on peoples sites out of curiosity. I don’t run ads and I blog for myself for the most part, so I am not really overly interested in DRIVING traffic to this site. But I am always interested in the different things that make blogs popular. Especially blogs that really don’t seem to be that strong on original content.

I think the trick is controversy. I also think that’s sad as hell. If you write a post that makes you look like a loon, you will attract people. If you write something that attacks one of the popular bloggers, you will attract people. If you write that you hate every minority on the planet… you guessed it! Out of the woodwork. Want to really jack your readership? Set yourself up as crazy and write about killing an animal!

This isn’t to say that these are the only things that attract readers. But it seems to work.

I have a decent amount of controversy in my life. Ok, not the “OMG I killed my dog” kind but what I do for a living is enough to make most people do a double take. I choose not to write about it. Lots of reason. respect for my job. respect for myself. No desire for generated “traffic”.

I can’t spell. I suppose this is controversial in some circles. But not in any of the circles that I run in.

Maybe my next post will be all about the life of a non speller in a world of red pens….! Oh the drama!

Why yes. Yes it is the end of the day!

I have nothing interesting to say.

This of course assumes that anything I have said up to this point is interesting.

Which is really subjective, because I could enjoy someones blow by blow description of ice melting if they describe it right! I mean, come on.. ice melting…


The Wii fit continues to traumatize my child because it does not tell me that I am losing any weight. I am coming to terms with this, though, as I am starting to realize that maybe I should focus on “getting in shape” as opposed ot losing that last 10 pounds. I thought, when I started waiting tables, that all of that walking would help, but I guess all of the “biscuit eating” has off set that. Funny how that works, right?

So, my dilemma of the day involves a 10 year old huge Aladdin alarm clock. Did I just date myself? I did, didn’t I? Bygones. Anyway, when I graduated college, I decided I had to have this clock. Because that is what every new grad needs, an oversized novelty alarm clock, and I am nothing if not a follower. Or maybe the phrase I’m looking for is “trend setter” because, as it turns out NO ONE really needs an oversized novelty alarm clock, least of all me. But I kept it in my office anyway, and got a few cute comments on it, which thinned out as I got older. Now I just get the occasional “WTF is that thing?” or “what are you, 8?”.

Which leads me to my dilemma. Child is 8 and he needs an alarm clock. If this were a picture blog at all, I would post a picture of the clock in question and you would understand. The clock is fashioned like an old fashioned alarm clock, with the two big bells on top. But on this particular time piece, the bells are the size
of Asia and when they ring, the building empties like the fire alarm has gone off.

Child thinks the sound of leaves falling is too loud. Somehow I don’t think that the massive scary alarm clock would be a hit.

I suppose I could give it to charity. Or I could give it to one of you! Anyone want a 10 year old functioning giant novelty Aladdin alarm clock? It’s free but I won’t be held responsible for any health conditions that arise if you actually USE the alarm!!!


Not as in “dirty” Laundry. Lord knows I have none of that.


I love the smell of laundry, or specifically the smell of laundry drying. My next door neighbor uses the best fabric softner and in the winter, the outside of her house smells like fires and bounce. It’s a much nicer combination than you think.

I have nothing of real substance to write about right now. I suppse that’s a good thing. So, I will once again ask you to bear with me, and a real post will be coming soon.

Tomorrow we are going to the funeral of a friends mother. A friend from high school who’s mother treated me like her own, as many of my friends parents did. I am sad, yes, because she died, but more because she more or less killed herself. Not directly, but slowly, with years of severe overeating that left her morbidly obese, bed ridden, septic and dead of congestive heart failure. Now her children are left to wonder why they didn’t matter enough for her to keep herself alive. Why it was more important to be stubborn than to stick around and see her grandchildren get big. It’s sad.

The moral of the story is that we are more than ourselves. In the end, our lives comes down to the choices we have made and those we haven’t. We should all remember that every choice we make causes ripples.

We don’t exist in a vaccum.

The Wii Fit traumatized my son!!!

Ok, so last Christmas, my parents got us a Wii Fit.

Today, Child and I hooked it up.

I could regale you with the bevy of reasons, from “working too much” to “not enough room” but the truth of the matter is “just too lazy”. Hey truth hurts.

So, my point. We hooked up the Wii Fit and OMG it is so much fun! First child got on and the program told him that he is at a healthy BMI (I hope so for 8), his balance and posture suck and that he weighs exactly what the doctor said he weighs. This shot a bolt of terror through my soul, as I knew I was next and frankly, I have no real interest in knowing my real weight. I fit in my clothes and still eat chocolate. That’s all I need to know.

So, Child played with some of the balance games for awhile, while I sat in the chair and scoffed. Silly man cub, thought I, just wait until you’re grown and these games are child’s play. CHILD’S PLAY I tell you!

After he had his fun it was my turn. So, I let the program size me up. I apparently have great posture. If you know me in real life, you are cracking the hell up at that statement, since it is unbelievable to most that I can even walk upright. But then the program calculated my BMI and I was 1 point in the “overweight” range. Well this was all child needed to see to have a small break down. “You’re OVERWEIGHT????”.

Thanks, Wii Fit! I needed some humiliation to get my lazy ass in gear!

Then child ran off to his room to drown his sorrows over my weight in his other electronics and I pushed the button to let the system weigh me. I weigh….

…. Come on. You didn’t really think I would tell you, did you?

I weight about 10 lbs more than I should. Not bad. I know. But now it’s a challenge. Ten pounds. Bring it, Wii!

The games on this thing are fun. I don’t think I am going to qualify for the Olympics anytime soon, but they are fun and they actually get your heart rate going. Well. They got mine going. Anyone who has a resting heart rate below that of an anxious hamster may find the program less of a challenge.

Oh, speaking of anxious hamster, Trick or treat was this weekend. I’ll post pictures! No, I won’t, you should realize that this is a picture-less blog! Anyway, child was a storm trooper and DP and I did not dress initially to take him out, but after about an hour, we found that people were mistaking us for “blocks of ice” so we went with that. We did, however, make child go home before we morphed into “hypothermia victims”. All that considered, however, child made out with 2 bags full of candy.

And, as a matter of fact, we have been snacking on it as if it is two big bags of soy nuts.

This could explain why the Wii traumatized my son! But more on that later. I am off to have some chocolate. Stolen chocolate. The best kind!