Archive for fun

Who’s the Boss?!

Last night as I was laying in bed, completely unable to sleep, I was composing the brilliant post in my head. It was all full of drama and intrigue and appropriately spelled words….serioulsy, it would have changed your life. CHANGED YOUR LIFE!!!

The thing is, I guess I was more asleep than I thought I was because I totally cannot remember the post at all. Not even the general idea of the post. In fact, maybe I only dreamed about the post. Which is just more proof I need a life, that I would dream about blogging.

So. Long story even longer (ok RL friends, who says that?), I have no life altering Post of Glory. Nothing.

However, my buddy over here has a blogroll on the side of her page. And everyday, whoever has updated their blog most recently automatically gets bumped to the top.

Oh yeah, you know where this is going. See, I’m not at that top back at the top again because I just updated my blog! I am just way too competitive to let someone else get to the top and STAY THERE!

Plus it will likely be the only time in my life ever that I will be above Dooce in anything that resembles the internet.

(But if there is ever a contest measuring “total sugar consumed” watch out, Dooce!!!)

Also, if I think of the life altering post, I promise I will post it. Even if it’s 2 in the morning and the post ends up being about french fries or “Who’s the Boss?”.

I never said it would be a GOOD change!

Change

Ok, so I changed the theme on this blog. I will probably do that a lot because I am flaky like that.

So, I have been looking at the things that generate traffic on peoples sites out of curiosity. I don’t run ads and I blog for myself for the most part, so I am not really overly interested in DRIVING traffic to this site. But I am always interested in the different things that make blogs popular. Especially blogs that really don’t seem to be that strong on original content.

I think the trick is controversy. I also think that’s sad as hell. If you write a post that makes you look like a loon, you will attract people. If you write something that attacks one of the popular bloggers, you will attract people. If you write that you hate every minority on the planet… you guessed it! Out of the woodwork. Want to really jack your readership? Set yourself up as crazy and write about killing an animal!

This isn’t to say that these are the only things that attract readers. But it seems to work.

I have a decent amount of controversy in my life. Ok, not the “OMG I killed my dog” kind but what I do for a living is enough to make most people do a double take. I choose not to write about it. Lots of reason. respect for my job. respect for myself. No desire for generated “traffic”.

I can’t spell. I suppose this is controversial in some circles. But not in any of the circles that I run in.

Maybe my next post will be all about the life of a non speller in a world of red pens….! Oh the drama!

Why yes. Yes it is the end of the day!

I have nothing interesting to say.

This of course assumes that anything I have said up to this point is interesting.

Which is really subjective, because I could enjoy someones blow by blow description of ice melting if they describe it right! I mean, come on.. ice melting…

*blink*

The Wii fit continues to traumatize my child because it does not tell me that I am losing any weight. I am coming to terms with this, though, as I am starting to realize that maybe I should focus on “getting in shape” as opposed ot losing that last 10 pounds. I thought, when I started waiting tables, that all of that walking would help, but I guess all of the “biscuit eating” has off set that. Funny how that works, right?

So, my dilemma of the day involves a 10 year old huge Aladdin alarm clock. Did I just date myself? I did, didn’t I? Bygones. Anyway, when I graduated college, I decided I had to have this clock. Because that is what every new grad needs, an oversized novelty alarm clock, and I am nothing if not a follower. Or maybe the phrase I’m looking for is “trend setter” because, as it turns out NO ONE really needs an oversized novelty alarm clock, least of all me. But I kept it in my office anyway, and got a few cute comments on it, which thinned out as I got older. Now I just get the occasional “WTF is that thing?” or “what are you, 8?”.

Which leads me to my dilemma. Child is 8 and he needs an alarm clock. If this were a picture blog at all, I would post a picture of the clock in question and you would understand. The clock is fashioned like an old fashioned alarm clock, with the two big bells on top. But on this particular time piece, the bells are the size
of Asia and when they ring, the building empties like the fire alarm has gone off.

Child thinks the sound of leaves falling is too loud. Somehow I don’t think that the massive scary alarm clock would be a hit.

I suppose I could give it to charity. Or I could give it to one of you! Anyone want a 10 year old functioning giant novelty Aladdin alarm clock? It’s free but I won’t be held responsible for any health conditions that arise if you actually USE the alarm!!!

The Wii Fit traumatized my son!!!

Ok, so last Christmas, my parents got us a Wii Fit.

Today, Child and I hooked it up.

I could regale you with the bevy of reasons, from “working too much” to “not enough room” but the truth of the matter is “just too lazy”. Hey truth hurts.

So, my point. We hooked up the Wii Fit and OMG it is so much fun! First child got on and the program told him that he is at a healthy BMI (I hope so for 8), his balance and posture suck and that he weighs exactly what the doctor said he weighs. This shot a bolt of terror through my soul, as I knew I was next and frankly, I have no real interest in knowing my real weight. I fit in my clothes and still eat chocolate. That’s all I need to know.

So, Child played with some of the balance games for awhile, while I sat in the chair and scoffed. Silly man cub, thought I, just wait until you’re grown and these games are child’s play. CHILD’S PLAY I tell you!

After he had his fun it was my turn. So, I let the program size me up. I apparently have great posture. If you know me in real life, you are cracking the hell up at that statement, since it is unbelievable to most that I can even walk upright. But then the program calculated my BMI and I was 1 point in the “overweight” range. Well this was all child needed to see to have a small break down. “You’re OVERWEIGHT????”.

Thanks, Wii Fit! I needed some humiliation to get my lazy ass in gear!

Then child ran off to his room to drown his sorrows over my weight in his other electronics and I pushed the button to let the system weigh me. I weigh….

…. Come on. You didn’t really think I would tell you, did you?

I weight about 10 lbs more than I should. Not bad. I know. But now it’s a challenge. Ten pounds. Bring it, Wii!

The games on this thing are fun. I don’t think I am going to qualify for the Olympics anytime soon, but they are fun and they actually get your heart rate going. Well. They got mine going. Anyone who has a resting heart rate below that of an anxious hamster may find the program less of a challenge.

Oh, speaking of anxious hamster, Trick or treat was this weekend. I’ll post pictures! No, I won’t, you should realize that this is a picture-less blog! Anyway, child was a storm trooper and DP and I did not dress initially to take him out, but after about an hour, we found that people were mistaking us for “blocks of ice” so we went with that. We did, however, make child go home before we morphed into “hypothermia victims”. All that considered, however, child made out with 2 bags full of candy.

And, as a matter of fact, we have been snacking on it as if it is two big bags of soy nuts.

This could explain why the Wii traumatized my son! But more on that later. I am off to have some chocolate. Stolen chocolate. The best kind!

Todays random, awesome phrase found on the internet!

“Oh sweet, slippery whatnot”

AWESOME!!!

Hi ho, Hi ho…

Ok, as I wrote that subject line, it dawned on me that I wrote another blog post YEARS ago, that I titled the EXACT SAME THING. And THAT post was ALSO written on a day that I was working one of my two 12 hour shifts. And I bet that post was ALSO all about how tired I am and how long the day is and blah blah blah. I say “I bet” because I didn’t actually go back and *read* the entry. I just kind of remember writing it and kind of remember it being on a Saturday like today. So I’m assuming that I am correct.

Which in life is a good thing to do. Just assume you’re correct. Crush your enemies and anyone who DARES disagree with you! Grrrr!!!

Anyway, do you think that this weird repeat of my EXACT title and EXACT content (I assume) means that I am not creative at all and am only capable of writing the same thing over and over? Or do you think maybe it means that I am living in a time-space continueum loop in which I am living the same few years of my life over and over but I am unaware? Of course if that were the case, wouldn’t Child be the same age and never get any older? But maybe he is not stuck in the same loop! Maybe, instead of being a loop that encompasses my entire world, it is only a work related loop, and when I get home, I am back to the present and moving forward!

Which means, of course, that while I am at work, I am perpetually 21. Which gives me incentive to stay here at work. We have these team building things here at my job and recently we had to fill out a survey in which one of the questions was “what motivates you to come to work” and I need to get mine back so I can change my answer from “helping people and developing programs ” to “PERPETUALLY 21”. I mean who wouldn’t want THAT job???

I am canceling my subscription to Cosmo. I no longer need it to convince myself that I am still 21. I have discovered that I am in a time-space continueum loop! SCORE!

Also, I am pretty sure that “Continueum” is spelled wrong. Seriously, spell check, I know….

Sylvia Plath on your shoulder now…

Who here thinks that Dooce is modern day sylvia plath?

No one? Really? Oh wait, that’s no one CARES. I get it, sorry.

I don’t really care, either, but man these internets are FULL of people who are just OBSESSED with Dooce. WTF? Like they analyze her every move and her every word and her every breath. Stalker much? My opinion, I could care less who she is in person. She’s an author. I enjoy her writing, some days not as much, I think her dogs and kids are cute ad she cracks me up with her swipes at the “haters”. But otherwise, I have better things to do with my time than obsess over her.

So moving on to the important stuff. All about me. HAHA!

I forgot to take towels with me into the shower and Child had to get them for me. I wonder if this will scar him for life? I mean, I was covered up, but still…

I made the best pumpkin pie EVER tonight. Well. It smells good anyway. I haven’t actually eaten any. In fact I don’t really LIKE Pumpkin pie. Ok, so I made the best SMELLING pumpkin pie ever! Does that count for anything?

I was watching that show “The Shark” or “The Shark Tank” or whatever the hell it’s called and everytime someone new came out with something, I would think, “I totally could have made that” and then glare at the people for coming up with the idea first. Until the idea got shot down. Then I would laugh and think “they suck!!”. I’m petty like that.

Child is wearing his underwear on his head and singing “my name is underwear boy! Underwear boy!!!”. I am thinking this is my cue to get off line and put him to bed.

Good night!

Creative? I think not!

If you are visiting this page with any regularity (you are, right) you will notice that the past seems to be getting larger and larger! It’s COMING TO GET YOU!

I kid.

I am in the process of transferring posts from my old blog. I am going to delete it but there are a few odds and ends that I want to remember. Of course, if there are odds and ends that I want to remember, then it begs the questions of why I am deleting the blog at all, right? I know, don’t try to talk reason to me, I’m not entirely capable of it.

DP and I went to a fundraiser last night and MAN what a blast. The fundraiser was basically a huge costume party and the theme this year was “Fantastical Oddities” In short, a circus. I volunteered and so I got in free and then I got a ticket which I gave to DP so in all, we attended this fundraiser for a little more than the cost of our costumes.

And that is the theme of the day, although I want to make sure my frugal night out is duly noted. Total saved, close to 400.00. We rock!

Ok, so let get back to the point. The costumes. Wow. I went as a gypsy and DP went as a ring master. We looked fairly normal, like two average people dressed up for a costume party. Not so, many of the other guests! Our observations in short:

~ People, it seems, will take any opportunity available to them to enter the public arena in as few clothes as possible. And I think that the concept of “costume party” seems to mean “who cares how I look!”. We are not judgmental people, but I think I can safely say that ripped fishnets, a too tight corset and heels you can’t walk in is probably an example of what not to wear, no matter the situation.

~ Lot’s of women jumping on the “bearded woman” bandwagon. Were we all REALLY waiting for the chance to sport a beard? It would seem so.

~ No one enjoys heels when they are extremely drunk.

~ Jeans and a football themed t shirts is not so much a “costume” as it is “lazy”.

~ When dressing as a gypsy, anything covering the heard is a bad idea. There are not enough bobby pins in the world. But maybe that’s just me.

~ My DP is hot. Yup.

All this said, the people who put their time and effort into this event did an AMAZING job. I mean the place looked fantastic. I have some pictures on my phone and as soon as I have them uploaded, I will post.

Lawn Bitch! Update my Blog!!!

Have I told you about the Lawn Bitch?

Ok, so near the end of the summer, after DP got her job and her hours went through the roof, our lawn started to go nuts. It was mostly a combination of no time and a lot of rain. One day, DP was delivering something at a clients house and she noticed that the yard was awesome so she asked about it. the 82 year old woman who owned the lawn told DP that her lawn was done by a middle aged gentleman on disability (we think he may be a war vet) who does this kind of thing and is always looking for extra money. So we called and thus begins the reign on the Lawn Bitch.

First of all, our lawn looked like the bomb! It was awesome! I think he may be obsessive compulsive. He then filled us in on everything else he does for basically pennies. He offered to clean and organize our garage, fix any little thing around the house, paint, stain the gazebo (we’ll probably take him up on that one!) then he informs us that what he doesn’t know how to do, his father does.

So, in our home, the Lawn Bitch is the answer to questions no one ever asked. Need your landscaping done? Call the lawn bitch! Have an electrical problem? Call the Lawn Bitch? Want hash browns from Burger King and you are too lazy to get up and get them yourself? Lawn Bitch! The law is after you for supposed bank robbery and you need someone to pretend to be you and stand trial? LAWN BITCH!!!

Everyone should have their own Lawn Bitch!

Randomness

I am feling very random today and extra points go to anyone who has the tolerence to actually read through this to the end!

I have a temper. A bad, mean, nasty, klingon-like, EVIL temper. Like the kind of temper that makes me think, in the middle of said temper flare up that I could pick up a dog and make a doggie shaped hole in the wall. NO, I have never actually done it. Any brilliant suggestions for controlling said temper that do not involve a) count to ten b) breathe c) hit a pillow..?

The lights in this office are making my head hurt. What is strange is, until this very day, I never actually believed that flourescent light could make one’s head hurt, but here I sit in pain and I am a believer. I think this likely says something about me and my need for external validation in relationship to faith.

I am so far behind in my work right now that I may never catch up. This is distressing on two levels: first there is the level that says that I am doing something very important and the fact that I am behind in doing it will have consequences for someone. The second level is the one that says that no one will ever even notice that I am not keeping up on what I have ot do and therefore what I do in general is rendered completely pointless, except as the most horrid kind of busy work, designed to make one feel as if they are making a difference when in actuallity they are doing nothing but feeding their self absorbed need to seem important.

What should I make for dinner? The fact is that I am so extremely tired today taht I want to give my son a pop tart and put him to bed so that I cna climb in to bed too. But I am compelled to make him something that has at least a little more substance. He would like macarroni and cheese. I am thinking I need to grill some chicken or what not. It all sounds like a lot of work to me right now.

In retrospect, maybe it is not the lights iving me a headache as much as it is the effort required to keep my eyes open. So much for faith.

My son thinks that God and Santa have the power to bring things back to life. As his father points out, perhaps we should embark on correcting that thought at some point. Oh, and he has an unnatural fear of children turning into fruit. Well, frankly, who doesn’t?

I went to see Fabulous Gay Dave last week for a trim and I am feeling as if my hair is short now, even though it’s not really, and I fear that it is not as kicky as it was before. I don’t understand why it won’t grow? I have been putting Miracle Grow on it every day since I was 16 and my friend Cheryl told me that this is what she used to get *her* hair to grow! Maybe *that’s* why I have a headache!

For some odd reason, I am barely resisting the urge to break out with a chorus of “Believe it or Not” (the theme from the Greatest American Hero).

Sadly, however, this is not the song that is currently running through my head. I would share what that song is, but then it would run through all of your heads too, and I don’t care to weild that kind of power.

All of my grades are posted except my statistics grade. Why???? What have I done to deserve this academic absurdity? Why can’t my instructor just tell me the fucking grade???? I am sure they were supposed to be in a while ago… do you think he is hunched in the corner of his furthest bedroom and snickering and petting his white cat as he considers the torture he is putting us through by withholding the one grade that we are all freaked out about???

Thus ends the Gospel of Me.