Archive for lists

Day 3… 12.. where the hell was I?

Oohhh… Ok, no I haven’t given up on the job quest. There has been way too much going on here. Most of which I just choose not to share on a blog.

Where was I? Oh yes, my job. There are a few things that have hit me hard in the head since the last time I posted here and those things are extremely important. Bear with me.

My family and I are really really different. Not good different, not bad different, just different. And this is a concern because I am sort of just now realizing this. Not on the surface. On the surface, I have always know that. It’s what lies beneath that is so striking to me.

My family, for the most part, are brain-y people who live in their head. My brother, as a prime example is freakishly smart. He’s THAT guy, you know the one. The one who always raised his hand in class, the one who you hated because he made the class drag on, but then secretly loved because he asked all the questions that you were too dumb to think of. Yeah, that’s my brother. He is the director of an IT department in a law office. To me, that’s like making a brain sandwich out of  brains stuffed in between two slices of brain. In fact I think my brother might actually build brains in his basement.

Anyway, it is no secret to anyone who knows my family at all that my brother is a great big fat Trekie, only not fat. This is appropriate, because I swear my brother is the closest thing you will ever find to Spock, that isn’t vulcan. I don’t think I have ever seen him show emotion. My brother told me my mother died over the phone. And possibly then went to play golf. I may or may not have made the “golf” part up. At any rate, I am sure he was affected, but right now, that’s just a working theory. I have no real proof that my brother has emotions, much less shows them. Illogical.

I on the other hand, is what’s known as a “drama queen”. I have been known cry over a particularly moving restaurant commercials. I am not stupid in the least, but I am not exactly a brainiac. I am, however, a nerd. That’s right, a semi intelligent nerd. Illogical! In fact, I think I may have a fit of the vapors!!

My brother lives in a nice suburban area with his attractive wife (Ok, we are the same there, I have an attractive wife too! Suck it, conservatives!) and his cute kids who do activities like soccer and band and crawling after shiny things (the baby is only a year old). He works in his office and she works in the bank. They have investments and stability and older kids with their college already paid for. In short, they are, the American dream.

Ok. I am more like the American Ambian experience. I am a crunchy granola type. I ACTUALLY hug trees. Oh yes I do. I used to make all of my own housecleaning products and beauty products. I never met an incense I didn’t like. I bought my entire family “1001 thing you can do to save the earth” for Christmas one year. I am an earthy goddess woman and I live for flowy skirts, 1950’s retro and all things handmade. Unfortunately, I have spent the majority of my adult life trying to be my brother.

And I am failing. Because my brother is really good at being him, but I am not. Yet, I have built a life in which I live in suburbia, with a son who is in cub scouts and a nice county job that pays decent and is stable. I have retirement and a lawn mower…. you get the picture. But none of it fits and I am bored and burnt out and reaching for something that I will never quite touch because it is foreign to who I am. And honestly, I don’t think I want it.

So. I feel like I need to start over. No clue how. I mean none. But I think this whole job thing is a lot more at this point than a novelty. I think I am at a point in which if I don’t make a change, I am going to look back when I am old and feel like I have wasted my entire life and die, full of regret.

Did I mention I am a “drama queen”?? So, this is where I am at. Still planning on the sculpture class and the camera and the handmade lotions. But seriously thinking that I need to change my career before it’s too late.

Anything else would be Illogical! Or something!

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Suck

This day was full of suckage. Indeed there was much suckatude happening.

This is the problem with my current job. While it is somewhat in my field and pays decent, I am hating the person that I am becoming in this job. I have made my list of things that I want in my work, but here is a list of some of the qualities that my current job is bringing out in me:

~ Anger ~ inpatience ~ paranoia ~ control

That’s to name a few. Yet, I would be a fool to leave my job in this economy, when there is no gurantee that I would find a different job.

Right?

Yeah. Right. I suppose I am just having a bad day, really. I have been looking over my list and trying not to feel hit over the head with the amount of things on that list that do not jive with my current job.

About 7 months ago, I had the opportunity to switch jobs. The problem is that the new job would have been about a 7k pay cut. I hemmed and hawwed and eventually, I did not take the new job (obviously!). About 3 months after I turned down this job, my current job offered a “buyout”. 25% of your current salary and you had to be gone by the first of the year. A great deal if you are young, going back to school, moving out of the area, retiring, or if you have another job lined up.

None of these things apply to me, unfortunately. I did have another job opportunity during that time, but I didn’t get the job.

Now, I have turned down one job and lost another and did not take the financial opportunity to get “unstuck” and I am feeling trapped. This is awful on 2 levels. First of all, who wants to feel trapped, right? But second of all I feel guilty because, as my manager is quick to point out, there are thousands of people who would probably sell their blood for the chance to feel “trapped” in my job.

But is the economy and guilt really a good reason to stay in a job that is bringing out the worst in your personality? That’s a good question. I think that it’s a good enough reason not to walk away without another job. But what about taking a lesser paying job? This assumes that a lesser paying job would present itself. Of course, I HAD a lesser paying job all lined up and ready to go, yet I turned it down.

The fact of the matter is that most social workers don’t make as much as I do. This means that I would walk out of my job and, if I stay in my current career, I would take a pay cut, period.

I am talking myself in circles. In case you hadn’t noticed. But I think I am back to my central point. All of this is pointless if you don’t know what it is that you like to do, or want to do.

I think that the bottom line is that I do not like being a social worker, but I’m good at it.

Now what?

The Job. Day one.

Ok, let’s get this party started!

I said I was going to focus on work, first, didn’t I? So let’s do that.

I am not miserable win my job. On the contrary, in many ways I have an awesome job. That said, keeping it until I retire would not be the worst thing in the world. But lately, I am feeling my age. When I was 20, everything was limitless possibilities and the question of “what will I be” was still undetermined. At 25 or 30, I could still change careers. I guess I feel like the older I get, the more “locked” into my profession I am. Logically, though I know this is not true. I know that at 60, I could start painting and redefine myself as a painter. I could retire as a social worker and start a second career as a baker at 65. Life truly IS limitless possibilities, so I think that the first thing I want to do is list all of the things that I am good at. I also want to list things that I would love to do if money were not an issue. And finally, values that are important to me that I would like to reflect in my work.

Ok. So. Things I am good at:

I can sing
I can write
I can analyze work
I can communicate ideas effectively
I am computer literate
I am an excellent public speaker and enjoy a crowd
I can play music
I am extensible schooled in Mental Health
I am an excellent case manager
I can prioritize
I can bake
I can problem solve effectively
I can promote teamwork and morale
I am creative
I am a leader
Knowing and understanding people
Helping people maximize their strengths

I may go back and add to this list. This is a work in progress

So, if Money were not an issue:

I would paint, or draw or do something else artistic that I am not good at
I would spend more time playing and writing music
I would work on a community garden
I would bake
I would write
I would read
I would provide support and feedback to anyone who asked for it
I would learn a new skill, such as pottery or knitting
I would create my own cleaning products and skin care products
I would cook from scratch

Again, I may add to this at a later time

Finally, What values are important to me that I would like to reflect in my work:

I would like to be encouraging and empowering women
I would like to be supporting the creative process
I would like to be able to feel peaceful and have others feel that as well
I would like to make enough to support my family
I would like to show respect for the earth
I would like to be able to lead by example
I would like those I serve to leave feeling better than when they started
I would like to have enough flexibility to be there for my family.

Again, by no means an exhaustive list.
Ok, so I need to look all of this over and see what it tells me about where I am and what I want or would ultimately be happy with. I can already see some areas in which my current job is in conflict with my values. But more on

Touchdown!

Goals goals goals… Goals are one of those things that I have always attributed to the Olympics… like “hey what’s your goal” “Well, I’m training for the Olympics!”

 Yeah. Here’s a memo… I will never be anywhere near the Olympics.

 That’s said, I am in desperate need of some goals. And not just the New Years resolution kind. I need the “wow this actually made a change” kind.

 So, here is my issue. I’m lazy. Ok, that’s not entirely true. My real issue is that I overwhelm myself. I could come up with any number of goals right now and I can guarantee you that they would not be any where near obtainable.

So, if the above content has bored you already, then you are about to be bored even further, because I am thinking that I am going to use this space to document my goals and the way I plan on achieving them. But the first thing I need to do is to clarify exactly what it is I want.

 This is going to be a feat in and of itself, so for goal number one, I am going to take the next week and every day, tackle a different area in my life and clarify it. When I am all done, I am going to look it over and develop some realistic goals based on what I figure out from this process.

Sound good? Ok, then.

 Tomorrow, I am going to tackle my job/career. That should be fun.

Or something.

There but for the grace of god….

There but for the grace of God….

I absolutely hate that phrase with a passion. I think it’s one of the cruelest things you can say to a person. Seriously, I think it’s awful. So, imagine, that you are a drinker and one night you end up drunk and in an accident and paralyzed. Awful. And then you are sharing your story with some well meaning person who used to drink and they, thinking that they are full of compassion tell you that they would never judge, because “there but for the grace of God, go I”. Guess what? I’d rather be judged!

Because here’s the thing, if you haven’t already caught on to this. When you try to tell someone that you understand them but implying that it is only by god’s grace that you were never (fill in the blank), what you are actually saying is one of two things: 1) God’s grace is random and you just happened t be the recipient this time or 2) the other person simply wasn’t worthy of god’s grace and therefore they did not escape harm.

Let that sink in a minute. I am a well educated professional because I was born into a family that afforded me the opportunity to go to college. But this poor sap did not have those opportunities and I would feel bad for him but “there but for the grace of God…”. I mean, if God didn’t love me best, he could have birthed ME into that kind of situation and then what??? THEN WHAT??? Sickening.

My spiritual beliefs are not up for discussion. If you’re that interested, comment and I’ll email you. But I can tell you some of the things that my beliefs DON’T embrace:

The notion that god loves some of us better than others because we are a) a specific religion b) holier than thou. C) any other cockamamie reason you can think of

The notion that god has gender outside of how you perceive divinity. Meaning if your god is a woman, then She is a Goddess and that’s valid and real. I think we interface with the divine in a manner that has meaning to us. To apply a gender and then infer that the opposite of that gender is somehow subservient.

That there is a heaven and a hell. I think these “places” are absurd. For hell to exist, then religion would have to exist in absolutes and that is impossible, as religion is faith, not Truth. To further simplify this thought, answer me this? Who is going to hell? All the Catholics or all the Baptists? You know as well as I do that this depends on who you ask. Even the notion that serial killers go to hell is faulty, as it implies that the individuals soul is somehow “evil” and beyond redemption. As for Heaven, well organized religion ruined that for me. Apparently, heaven is not about humanity, it’s about dogma. It’s not who you are, it’s what you believe! No thanks.

That god(dess) somehow brings good things into our lives and somehow prevents bad things from happening, or any variant on that thought. Only humans could be that self absorbed. To clarify: If God(dess) brings good things into your life for whatever reason, then it again implies that you are somehow more blessed than other people who have bad things happen to them. And if god(dess) fails to protect you from the bad things in life for whatever reason, then somehow we are “less than” in the eyes of divinity. Puke. Here’s the facts. Shit happens. The only role divinity plays in that is how we handle the after effects. Faith provides comfort and strength. Not protection and luck.

That somehow those who believe in god(dess) are right. Arrogance. A persons belief in god(dess) does not make god(dess) exist. No one knows for sure. Believe what you believe but don’t demean others by assuming their wrong. That goes both ways, incidentally.

That divinity requires sacrifice or humiliation or that we are not capable of interfacing with the divine without the assistance of a clergy.

I could go on but I think you get the point. “There but for the grace of god…” It’s condescending and cruel. People who hold themselves up as somehow more holy or better equipped due to the touch of the divine make me want to puke. We are all human and therefore all flawed. We are not better loved because of what we believe. We do not require the grace of anything to be “saved” and there is no reason to believe that one belief system is any better than any other. Also that person who hurt you? Probably not going to hell. However if it make you feel better to think so, then I would never stand in your way. But please don’t stand in mine, either.

Don’t get me started on “Christians aren’t perfect, just forgiven”……

Todays random, awesome phrase found on the internet!

“Oh sweet, slippery whatnot”

AWESOME!!!

Sylvia Plath on your shoulder now…

Who here thinks that Dooce is modern day sylvia plath?

No one? Really? Oh wait, that’s no one CARES. I get it, sorry.

I don’t really care, either, but man these internets are FULL of people who are just OBSESSED with Dooce. WTF? Like they analyze her every move and her every word and her every breath. Stalker much? My opinion, I could care less who she is in person. She’s an author. I enjoy her writing, some days not as much, I think her dogs and kids are cute ad she cracks me up with her swipes at the “haters”. But otherwise, I have better things to do with my time than obsess over her.

So moving on to the important stuff. All about me. HAHA!

I forgot to take towels with me into the shower and Child had to get them for me. I wonder if this will scar him for life? I mean, I was covered up, but still…

I made the best pumpkin pie EVER tonight. Well. It smells good anyway. I haven’t actually eaten any. In fact I don’t really LIKE Pumpkin pie. Ok, so I made the best SMELLING pumpkin pie ever! Does that count for anything?

I was watching that show “The Shark” or “The Shark Tank” or whatever the hell it’s called and everytime someone new came out with something, I would think, “I totally could have made that” and then glare at the people for coming up with the idea first. Until the idea got shot down. Then I would laugh and think “they suck!!”. I’m petty like that.

Child is wearing his underwear on his head and singing “my name is underwear boy! Underwear boy!!!”. I am thinking this is my cue to get off line and put him to bed.

Good night!

In which I sicken everyone with my gratuitous gratitude

Did I spell “gratuitous” right?

Rest assured that my ability to spell is not one of the things I am grateful for.

That said, I am really grateful for a lot right now. It’s easy as hell to complain when youa re working 2 jobs and the bills are being floated, but serioulsy? Maybe a missed beach vacation is just not something to be bitching about these days? Let’s review the good:

~ I have the ability to work

~I have a job

~Floated or not, the bills get paid

~I have health and a healthy family

~I have a home and comfortable furniture that I can relax on, including the couch of comfort!

~ I have the best bed ever

~I have the best DP ever

This is the short list. I need to focus more energy on making this a long list. That, and on chocolate.

Can’t go wrong with that plan.

P.S. more old posts transferred from the soon to be defunct journal. Did I spell “defunct” right? Where does one find the spellcheck on this thing??

Randomness

I am feling very random today and extra points go to anyone who has the tolerence to actually read through this to the end!

I have a temper. A bad, mean, nasty, klingon-like, EVIL temper. Like the kind of temper that makes me think, in the middle of said temper flare up that I could pick up a dog and make a doggie shaped hole in the wall. NO, I have never actually done it. Any brilliant suggestions for controlling said temper that do not involve a) count to ten b) breathe c) hit a pillow..?

The lights in this office are making my head hurt. What is strange is, until this very day, I never actually believed that flourescent light could make one’s head hurt, but here I sit in pain and I am a believer. I think this likely says something about me and my need for external validation in relationship to faith.

I am so far behind in my work right now that I may never catch up. This is distressing on two levels: first there is the level that says that I am doing something very important and the fact that I am behind in doing it will have consequences for someone. The second level is the one that says that no one will ever even notice that I am not keeping up on what I have ot do and therefore what I do in general is rendered completely pointless, except as the most horrid kind of busy work, designed to make one feel as if they are making a difference when in actuallity they are doing nothing but feeding their self absorbed need to seem important.

What should I make for dinner? The fact is that I am so extremely tired today taht I want to give my son a pop tart and put him to bed so that I cna climb in to bed too. But I am compelled to make him something that has at least a little more substance. He would like macarroni and cheese. I am thinking I need to grill some chicken or what not. It all sounds like a lot of work to me right now.

In retrospect, maybe it is not the lights iving me a headache as much as it is the effort required to keep my eyes open. So much for faith.

My son thinks that God and Santa have the power to bring things back to life. As his father points out, perhaps we should embark on correcting that thought at some point. Oh, and he has an unnatural fear of children turning into fruit. Well, frankly, who doesn’t?

I went to see Fabulous Gay Dave last week for a trim and I am feeling as if my hair is short now, even though it’s not really, and I fear that it is not as kicky as it was before. I don’t understand why it won’t grow? I have been putting Miracle Grow on it every day since I was 16 and my friend Cheryl told me that this is what she used to get *her* hair to grow! Maybe *that’s* why I have a headache!

For some odd reason, I am barely resisting the urge to break out with a chorus of “Believe it or Not” (the theme from the Greatest American Hero).

Sadly, however, this is not the song that is currently running through my head. I would share what that song is, but then it would run through all of your heads too, and I don’t care to weild that kind of power.

All of my grades are posted except my statistics grade. Why???? What have I done to deserve this academic absurdity? Why can’t my instructor just tell me the fucking grade???? I am sure they were supposed to be in a while ago… do you think he is hunched in the corner of his furthest bedroom and snickering and petting his white cat as he considers the torture he is putting us through by withholding the one grade that we are all freaked out about???

Thus ends the Gospel of Me.