Archive for mid life crisis

Day 3… 12.. where the hell was I?

Oohhh… Ok, no I haven’t given up on the job quest. There has been way too much going on here. Most of which I just choose not to share on a blog.

Where was I? Oh yes, my job. There are a few things that have hit me hard in the head since the last time I posted here and those things are extremely important. Bear with me.

My family and I are really really different. Not good different, not bad different, just different. And this is a concern because I am sort of just now realizing this. Not on the surface. On the surface, I have always know that. It’s what lies beneath that is so striking to me.

My family, for the most part, are brain-y people who live in their head. My brother, as a prime example is freakishly smart. He’s THAT guy, you know the one. The one who always raised his hand in class, the one who you hated because he made the class drag on, but then secretly loved because he asked all the questions that you were too dumb to think of. Yeah, that’s my brother. He is the director of an IT department in a law office. To me, that’s like making a brain sandwich out of  brains stuffed in between two slices of brain. In fact I think my brother might actually build brains in his basement.

Anyway, it is no secret to anyone who knows my family at all that my brother is a great big fat Trekie, only not fat. This is appropriate, because I swear my brother is the closest thing you will ever find to Spock, that isn’t vulcan. I don’t think I have ever seen him show emotion. My brother told me my mother died over the phone. And possibly then went to play golf. I may or may not have made the “golf” part up. At any rate, I am sure he was affected, but right now, that’s just a working theory. I have no real proof that my brother has emotions, much less shows them. Illogical.

I on the other hand, is what’s known as a “drama queen”. I have been known cry over a particularly moving restaurant commercials. I am not stupid in the least, but I am not exactly a brainiac. I am, however, a nerd. That’s right, a semi intelligent nerd. Illogical! In fact, I think I may have a fit of the vapors!!

My brother lives in a nice suburban area with his attractive wife (Ok, we are the same there, I have an attractive wife too! Suck it, conservatives!) and his cute kids who do activities like soccer and band and crawling after shiny things (the baby is only a year old). He works in his office and she works in the bank. They have investments and stability and older kids with their college already paid for. In short, they are, the American dream.

Ok. I am more like the American Ambian experience. I am a crunchy granola type. I ACTUALLY hug trees. Oh yes I do. I used to make all of my own housecleaning products and beauty products. I never met an incense I didn’t like. I bought my entire family “1001 thing you can do to save the earth” for Christmas one year. I am an earthy goddess woman and I live for flowy skirts, 1950’s retro and all things handmade. Unfortunately, I have spent the majority of my adult life trying to be my brother.

And I am failing. Because my brother is really good at being him, but I am not. Yet, I have built a life in which I live in suburbia, with a son who is in cub scouts and a nice county job that pays decent and is stable. I have retirement and a lawn mower…. you get the picture. But none of it fits and I am bored and burnt out and reaching for something that I will never quite touch because it is foreign to who I am. And honestly, I don’t think I want it.

So. I feel like I need to start over. No clue how. I mean none. But I think this whole job thing is a lot more at this point than a novelty. I think I am at a point in which if I don’t make a change, I am going to look back when I am old and feel like I have wasted my entire life and die, full of regret.

Did I mention I am a “drama queen”?? So, this is where I am at. Still planning on the sculpture class and the camera and the handmade lotions. But seriously thinking that I need to change my career before it’s too late.

Anything else would be Illogical! Or something!

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Hi ho, Hi ho…

Ok, as I wrote that subject line, it dawned on me that I wrote another blog post YEARS ago, that I titled the EXACT SAME THING. And THAT post was ALSO written on a day that I was working one of my two 12 hour shifts. And I bet that post was ALSO all about how tired I am and how long the day is and blah blah blah. I say “I bet” because I didn’t actually go back and *read* the entry. I just kind of remember writing it and kind of remember it being on a Saturday like today. So I’m assuming that I am correct.

Which in life is a good thing to do. Just assume you’re correct. Crush your enemies and anyone who DARES disagree with you! Grrrr!!!

Anyway, do you think that this weird repeat of my EXACT title and EXACT content (I assume) means that I am not creative at all and am only capable of writing the same thing over and over? Or do you think maybe it means that I am living in a time-space continueum loop in which I am living the same few years of my life over and over but I am unaware? Of course if that were the case, wouldn’t Child be the same age and never get any older? But maybe he is not stuck in the same loop! Maybe, instead of being a loop that encompasses my entire world, it is only a work related loop, and when I get home, I am back to the present and moving forward!

Which means, of course, that while I am at work, I am perpetually 21. Which gives me incentive to stay here at work. We have these team building things here at my job and recently we had to fill out a survey in which one of the questions was “what motivates you to come to work” and I need to get mine back so I can change my answer from “helping people and developing programs ” to “PERPETUALLY 21”. I mean who wouldn’t want THAT job???

I am canceling my subscription to Cosmo. I no longer need it to convince myself that I am still 21. I have discovered that I am in a time-space continueum loop! SCORE!

Also, I am pretty sure that “Continueum” is spelled wrong. Seriously, spell check, I know….