Archive for rambling

Day 3… 12.. where the hell was I?

Oohhh… Ok, no I haven’t given up on the job quest. There has been way too much going on here. Most of which I just choose not to share on a blog.

Where was I? Oh yes, my job. There are a few things that have hit me hard in the head since the last time I posted here and those things are extremely important. Bear with me.

My family and I are really really different. Not good different, not bad different, just different. And this is a concern because I am sort of just now realizing this. Not on the surface. On the surface, I have always know that. It’s what lies beneath that is so striking to me.

My family, for the most part, are brain-y people who live in their head. My brother, as a prime example is freakishly smart. He’s THAT guy, you know the one. The one who always raised his hand in class, the one who you hated because he made the class drag on, but then secretly loved because he asked all the questions that you were too dumb to think of. Yeah, that’s my brother. He is the director of an IT department in a law office. To me, that’s like making a brain sandwich out of  brains stuffed in between two slices of brain. In fact I think my brother might actually build brains in his basement.

Anyway, it is no secret to anyone who knows my family at all that my brother is a great big fat Trekie, only not fat. This is appropriate, because I swear my brother is the closest thing you will ever find to Spock, that isn’t vulcan. I don’t think I have ever seen him show emotion. My brother told me my mother died over the phone. And possibly then went to play golf. I may or may not have made the “golf” part up. At any rate, I am sure he was affected, but right now, that’s just a working theory. I have no real proof that my brother has emotions, much less shows them. Illogical.

I on the other hand, is what’s known as a “drama queen”. I have been known cry over a particularly moving restaurant commercials. I am not stupid in the least, but I am not exactly a brainiac. I am, however, a nerd. That’s right, a semi intelligent nerd. Illogical! In fact, I think I may have a fit of the vapors!!

My brother lives in a nice suburban area with his attractive wife (Ok, we are the same there, I have an attractive wife too! Suck it, conservatives!) and his cute kids who do activities like soccer and band and crawling after shiny things (the baby is only a year old). He works in his office and she works in the bank. They have investments and stability and older kids with their college already paid for. In short, they are, the American dream.

Ok. I am more like the American Ambian experience. I am a crunchy granola type. I ACTUALLY hug trees. Oh yes I do. I used to make all of my own housecleaning products and beauty products. I never met an incense I didn’t like. I bought my entire family “1001 thing you can do to save the earth” for Christmas one year. I am an earthy goddess woman and I live for flowy skirts, 1950’s retro and all things handmade. Unfortunately, I have spent the majority of my adult life trying to be my brother.

And I am failing. Because my brother is really good at being him, but I am not. Yet, I have built a life in which I live in suburbia, with a son who is in cub scouts and a nice county job that pays decent and is stable. I have retirement and a lawn mower…. you get the picture. But none of it fits and I am bored and burnt out and reaching for something that I will never quite touch because it is foreign to who I am. And honestly, I don’t think I want it.

So. I feel like I need to start over. No clue how. I mean none. But I think this whole job thing is a lot more at this point than a novelty. I think I am at a point in which if I don’t make a change, I am going to look back when I am old and feel like I have wasted my entire life and die, full of regret.

Did I mention I am a “drama queen”?? So, this is where I am at. Still planning on the sculpture class and the camera and the handmade lotions. But seriously thinking that I need to change my career before it’s too late.

Anything else would be Illogical! Or something!

Beware of offensive language

Wow. People really hate gays. Check out the comments.

The video itself is supposed to be satire. Personally, Iwish it weren’t.

I have yet to have anyone give me a logical reason why gay marriage should be outlawed. Not one. Religious reasons don’t count, as we are not a theocracy in therefore blanket generalizations in dogma simply don’t apply.

Anyway, this isn’t about gay marriage. It’s about the sting of belonging to a population of people who are an “issue” in this country. Minority status in the USA is so common anymore, it amazes me that there IS a majority anymore, or even a perceived one. If you are a woman, you are a minority. If you are a Jew, a Muslim, Black, Chineese, Hindu… pretty much anything but a White, Christian Male, you are a minority. The minority only exisits in separate parts. The minority bound together IS the majority.

Ok. I’m tired. Sorry for the sociology 101 rant.

It’s just that lately I have been thinking about what it means to be in a minority group and the way that it affected my life.  Personally, I am pretty lucky. I don’t get threatened or harassed. With the exception of one niece, I have a family that completely accepts me. My job is open (although they don’t offer benefits). I own a house, a car, I have a good education and a decent job by anyones standards. I can’t get married, but that’s not really personal.

What is personal is the way in which people toss their bigotry off lightly, as if it’s ok. I am amazed at the people who “don’t use the N word” but will call some one a fag before you can blink. Why can the populace in general routinely comment that things are “sooo gay”, and outside of a few rarely played PSA’s, no one says a word? Why is anyone allowed to use the church to excuse their hatred?

I have heard various arguments in regards to the offensiveness of the gay community comparing their current struggle to the civil rights movement. What is sadder about these arguments is the assertion that they are valid because much of the black community are anti gay. First of all, there is no real evidence that this is true. But going with the argument, I am not sure how to wrap my head around the bigoted black person. I suppose, on the one hand, it is the response of anyone who has been bullied… now that they are on the other side of the fence, it is easier to pick on than be picked on. But I think that thought process falls short. Let’s face it, the black community is STILL bullied. I am pretty sure it is a matter of religion. Of the blacks that I have met who are truly bigoted against gays, their argument is in the bible. Period. And there is no thought beyond that.

It bothers me. It bothers me that there are people in my world who can never know who I love because their bigotry will overpower their relationship with me. It bothers me that the same upstanding people who would never dream of using “the N word” would freely call me a Dike or toss off “fag” like it’s not offensive. It bothers me that some people will use the love of Christ to defined their right to discriminate, belittle, demean and segregate their fellow human being.

To clarify. It BOTHERS me. It does NOT surprise me. And it saddens me.

I hope it bothers you, too.

The job. Day 2.

Ok, well, it’s been more than 2 days since my last post but you get the gist.

So I have been looking over that lists and looking at some of the things that I listed. Some of the qualities that I listed are not relevant in terms of a job search. For example, I am 40 years old. I am probably not going to be a professional performer at this point, or a professional musician. Not because 40 year olds don’t do these things, but because the sacrifices that I would have to make in order to be even remotely successful are too much. And the truth is that I would likely not be more than remotely successful. Not worth it.

To take a small detour quickly, I watched Julie & Julia last night. Cute movie. Not the point. I was watching this movie and was struck by the life of Julia Child and how she made a career out of doing something she loved and how lucky she was to be able to do that. And I guess that is the one thing that is missing on my list. Simple, I would like to be doing something that I love.

I don’t know that I would say that I love what I am doing. I don’t hate it, as I said it’s a decent job. But I like many other starry-eyed world savers, got into Social Work because I wanted to help people. As I have told countless people since then, If you really want to help people, get a job that makes a lot of money and 1) donate and 2) volunteer. THAT is the recipe to help people. If you want to instead be trapped up in endless yards of red tape and maybe sort of help one out of every 100 people who you come in contact with then go get your license to practice social work and dive in!

If you’d like to know where to sign up, just email me! Try to resist my enticing description! I should write for the local schools program catalog!!

Eh. It’s true though. Social workers burn out early and fast, and there is a reason for that.

Anyway, this is more about focusing on what I want than dwelling on what is wrong with what I have. So. The first thing I think I need to do is free up some time to try doing some things that I love.

With that though, I have given up one of the 2 days I am working my second job. It doesn’t sound like a lot, but you know, baby steps.

I am going to try 2 new things to start. I am going to take a sculpting class at the arts center and try to get back in touch with my creativity and I am going to start making some of my own, all natural “beauty” products… bath salts, lotions, massage oils, etc. I think I am going to try to sell them, too. We’ll see.

That is my short term goal. My long term goal? Purchase a really nice digital SLR camera and give my old one to the Child. Then take him out and take pictures. We can then work together to clean up the shots and pick out our favorites. The goal being to express some creativity and maybe change how we view the world.

Plus, the child will have a BLAST! Which is what it’s all about, anyway!!!

in which I have no substance at all. Or purpose. In other words, I am writing just to write. Aces!

One of my friends at work has a theory that the universe is shifting, and by the way she describes it, I think she is right.

It seems as if people who have been having a hard time are suddenly having an easier time and people who have been skating through life are suddenly hitting road blocks. Anyone else noticing this pattern?

As for my life, things are going very well. I have found that sometimes it takes something horrible happening to open up the gates to better-town.

The gates to better -town. I am a literary genius.

Point being that there is something to the notion of embracing the dark. One of my friends told me recently that he is the person who always says he “plans for the worse but hopes for the best”. He then pointed out that this is makes him a pessimist with no confidence. Clever as that is, I think that it is the overwhelming attitude of most of society. But I think maybe we should all be “planning for the best IN SPITE of the worst”.

Sometimes a building has to fall for a better building to be built!

Also, my Wii fit is still mocking me. If you do not own this game, run out and get it and watch what your Mii does when the scale registers your BMI as too high. It is the equivalent of sticking it’s tongue out and calling me a fat ass. However, the child is no longer horrified so much as he is hysterically amused. I am glad my weight issues amuse someone.

(incidentally, “weight issues” may be a bit dramatic. No one has ordered a fork lift for me yet.”

Yet.

Funny. But not Ha Ha funny…

As I write this, I am listening to a news report of a 17 year old who murdered his 10 year old brother. I wish that I could tell you that my reaction is horror and shock. But it’s not. It’s simply sadness. I wish that this were unusual, but it’s not. The things that people are capable of… it’s astounding. Seriously, I know. I am just glad that this child murderer was not under 10. Frankly, that’s all I haven’t dealt with yet, is murder. The younger kids, though, they do everything else. If you believe that there is anything that a young child is not capable of, then I will tell you first hand that you are wrong. Rape, Arson, Felonious Assault… it’s out there and it’s not some mistake in the way the police report it. It’s happening.

That said, there is a reason behind these young children who do such awful things. These aren’t bad seeds. These are kids who counted on their family to do right by them and in most cases, the family just couldn’t. Couldn’t keep them safe from abuse or community violence. Couldn’t keep them safe from drugs. Couldn’t keep them safe, period.

Family is a funny thing. This random group of people that you end up with. People who you can only get so far away from because they are linked to you by DNA. Family can define who you do or do not become. They can show you the best and the worst and leave you wondering how much of who you are is a reflection of them.

Family should be compassionate towards each other. They should be tolerant and sensitive. But in the end, we do well to remember that in many ways we are glorified animals and in nature, a lot of animals eat their young. I suppose, given that perspective, maybe we should be grateful that all we did was fight over the turkey instead of ending up on the plate.

We can only make so many choices where family is concerned. But I can tell you one thing. Abuse is never ok. Never. There is no excuse or reason or justification to put your hands on another person like that. No matter their age. There is never a reason to belittle or demean another person. There is never a reason to treat anyone, least of all your family, as anything less than an extension of yourself. Not just treating them as you would want to be treated, but treating them as they would have you treat them. Sometimes that means simply taking their feelings into consideration. Sometimes it means not beating them down simply because you don’t like what they have to say.

Families are funny, though. Every single one of them has a story. Sometimes those story’s end in tragedy.

I hope that it doesn’t take a tragedy for most of us to recognize what we do and who we are. It’s the little choices we make that define our character.

May we all be proud of the character we define.

Wow. I suck.

Well, I’m sure it’s no suprise, but I let Dooce beat me in the race to the top of the blog list on this site. I kind of suck at keeping up with this blog. But I swear it’s going to be different this time! I swear!

Of course, it’s not going to be different this second. I am just really tired and considering that whining will not engage anyone but the Child, I think I’ll hold off until I can get you a real post.

Potential topic? What WOULD Jesus Do, and why do his followers have to ask?

Interigued? No? Ok, well, maybe something different then….

Good night!

Scientific Research

For a long time, I was nervous to take too many baths.

Why?

Well, my mother died of a brain tumor and SHE took a bath every single night.

Every night after dinner, my mother would go upstairs and pull out her blue vaseline bath salts and run a bath. The water would turn this awesome shade of blue and make all kinds of bubbles and I thought it was the greatest thing in the world. Sometimes I would sit up in the bathroom and talk to her while she soaked under the bubbles and sometimes I was bored and would go and play, but she always took her bath.

Then when I was a teenager, she got sick. Only no one knew she was sick. Every one thought she was depressed, because she couldn’t stay awake and she forgot things, sometimes minutes after she was told them. She forgot significant things. Like, that she had eaten. She also stopped taking her baths.

She died when I was 18 and for the longest time, I didn’t want to take baths because it made me too much like her and then I might die too. (SHUT UP, yes you WOULD think the same thing!) But much more recently, I have moved from being a die hard shower-er to a bath taker.

A few things about this. First of all, I am thinking that I was flawed in my assumption that  baths cause brain tumors. Yeah, oops! Second of all, wow, baths rock. I get why my mother took them every night, no matter what. That time in the bath is probably the most relaxing time of the day. Nothing can get to me in my bathtub!!! My super secret Fortress of  Solitude! Protector from all that is evil and DIRTY!

Also, smells good! And BUBBLES! Dude!

So. I am not a huge fan of the nightly bath. Of course, I need my own twist, and so I shower after I soak, to get the bubbles off and wash my hair. And I am pretty sure I don’t have a brain tumor! I’ve always been this off kilter! Go eccentric!! and paranoid!

However, now I am thinking that maybe it is NOT taking a bath that causes brain tumors. In which case, I totally side stepped a land mine by avoiding baths all that time. Because my research is valid and unquestionable. Like me spelling. Also, I think maybe it was my mom watching out for me that protected me from the non bath related brain tumors.

Thanks, mom!

Who’s the Boss?!

Last night as I was laying in bed, completely unable to sleep, I was composing the brilliant post in my head. It was all full of drama and intrigue and appropriately spelled words….serioulsy, it would have changed your life. CHANGED YOUR LIFE!!!

The thing is, I guess I was more asleep than I thought I was because I totally cannot remember the post at all. Not even the general idea of the post. In fact, maybe I only dreamed about the post. Which is just more proof I need a life, that I would dream about blogging.

So. Long story even longer (ok RL friends, who says that?), I have no life altering Post of Glory. Nothing.

However, my buddy over here has a blogroll on the side of her page. And everyday, whoever has updated their blog most recently automatically gets bumped to the top.

Oh yeah, you know where this is going. See, I’m not at that top back at the top again because I just updated my blog! I am just way too competitive to let someone else get to the top and STAY THERE!

Plus it will likely be the only time in my life ever that I will be above Dooce in anything that resembles the internet.

(But if there is ever a contest measuring “total sugar consumed” watch out, Dooce!!!)

Also, if I think of the life altering post, I promise I will post it. Even if it’s 2 in the morning and the post ends up being about french fries or “Who’s the Boss?”.

I never said it would be a GOOD change!

There but for the grace of god….

There but for the grace of God….

I absolutely hate that phrase with a passion. I think it’s one of the cruelest things you can say to a person. Seriously, I think it’s awful. So, imagine, that you are a drinker and one night you end up drunk and in an accident and paralyzed. Awful. And then you are sharing your story with some well meaning person who used to drink and they, thinking that they are full of compassion tell you that they would never judge, because “there but for the grace of God, go I”. Guess what? I’d rather be judged!

Because here’s the thing, if you haven’t already caught on to this. When you try to tell someone that you understand them but implying that it is only by god’s grace that you were never (fill in the blank), what you are actually saying is one of two things: 1) God’s grace is random and you just happened t be the recipient this time or 2) the other person simply wasn’t worthy of god’s grace and therefore they did not escape harm.

Let that sink in a minute. I am a well educated professional because I was born into a family that afforded me the opportunity to go to college. But this poor sap did not have those opportunities and I would feel bad for him but “there but for the grace of God…”. I mean, if God didn’t love me best, he could have birthed ME into that kind of situation and then what??? THEN WHAT??? Sickening.

My spiritual beliefs are not up for discussion. If you’re that interested, comment and I’ll email you. But I can tell you some of the things that my beliefs DON’T embrace:

The notion that god loves some of us better than others because we are a) a specific religion b) holier than thou. C) any other cockamamie reason you can think of

The notion that god has gender outside of how you perceive divinity. Meaning if your god is a woman, then She is a Goddess and that’s valid and real. I think we interface with the divine in a manner that has meaning to us. To apply a gender and then infer that the opposite of that gender is somehow subservient.

That there is a heaven and a hell. I think these “places” are absurd. For hell to exist, then religion would have to exist in absolutes and that is impossible, as religion is faith, not Truth. To further simplify this thought, answer me this? Who is going to hell? All the Catholics or all the Baptists? You know as well as I do that this depends on who you ask. Even the notion that serial killers go to hell is faulty, as it implies that the individuals soul is somehow “evil” and beyond redemption. As for Heaven, well organized religion ruined that for me. Apparently, heaven is not about humanity, it’s about dogma. It’s not who you are, it’s what you believe! No thanks.

That god(dess) somehow brings good things into our lives and somehow prevents bad things from happening, or any variant on that thought. Only humans could be that self absorbed. To clarify: If God(dess) brings good things into your life for whatever reason, then it again implies that you are somehow more blessed than other people who have bad things happen to them. And if god(dess) fails to protect you from the bad things in life for whatever reason, then somehow we are “less than” in the eyes of divinity. Puke. Here’s the facts. Shit happens. The only role divinity plays in that is how we handle the after effects. Faith provides comfort and strength. Not protection and luck.

That somehow those who believe in god(dess) are right. Arrogance. A persons belief in god(dess) does not make god(dess) exist. No one knows for sure. Believe what you believe but don’t demean others by assuming their wrong. That goes both ways, incidentally.

That divinity requires sacrifice or humiliation or that we are not capable of interfacing with the divine without the assistance of a clergy.

I could go on but I think you get the point. “There but for the grace of god…” It’s condescending and cruel. People who hold themselves up as somehow more holy or better equipped due to the touch of the divine make me want to puke. We are all human and therefore all flawed. We are not better loved because of what we believe. We do not require the grace of anything to be “saved” and there is no reason to believe that one belief system is any better than any other. Also that person who hurt you? Probably not going to hell. However if it make you feel better to think so, then I would never stand in your way. But please don’t stand in mine, either.

Don’t get me started on “Christians aren’t perfect, just forgiven”……

Change

Ok, so I changed the theme on this blog. I will probably do that a lot because I am flaky like that.

So, I have been looking at the things that generate traffic on peoples sites out of curiosity. I don’t run ads and I blog for myself for the most part, so I am not really overly interested in DRIVING traffic to this site. But I am always interested in the different things that make blogs popular. Especially blogs that really don’t seem to be that strong on original content.

I think the trick is controversy. I also think that’s sad as hell. If you write a post that makes you look like a loon, you will attract people. If you write something that attacks one of the popular bloggers, you will attract people. If you write that you hate every minority on the planet… you guessed it! Out of the woodwork. Want to really jack your readership? Set yourself up as crazy and write about killing an animal!

This isn’t to say that these are the only things that attract readers. But it seems to work.

I have a decent amount of controversy in my life. Ok, not the “OMG I killed my dog” kind but what I do for a living is enough to make most people do a double take. I choose not to write about it. Lots of reason. respect for my job. respect for myself. No desire for generated “traffic”.

I can’t spell. I suppose this is controversial in some circles. But not in any of the circles that I run in.

Maybe my next post will be all about the life of a non speller in a world of red pens….! Oh the drama!

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