Posts Tagged ‘life plan’

Day 3… 12.. where the hell was I?

Oohhh… Ok, no I haven’t given up on the job quest. There has been way too much going on here. Most of which I just choose not to share on a blog.

Where was I? Oh yes, my job. There are a few things that have hit me hard in the head since the last time I posted here and those things are extremely important. Bear with me.

My family and I are really really different. Not good different, not bad different, just different. And this is a concern because I am sort of just now realizing this. Not on the surface. On the surface, I have always know that. It’s what lies beneath that is so striking to me.

My family, for the most part, are brain-y people who live in their head. My brother, as a prime example is freakishly smart. He’s THAT guy, you know the one. The one who always raised his hand in class, the one who you hated because he made the class drag on, but then secretly loved because he asked all the questions that you were too dumb to think of. Yeah, that’s my brother. He is the director of an IT department in a law office. To me, that’s like making a brain sandwich out of  brains stuffed in between two slices of brain. In fact I think my brother might actually build brains in his basement.

Anyway, it is no secret to anyone who knows my family at all that my brother is a great big fat Trekie, only not fat. This is appropriate, because I swear my brother is the closest thing you will ever find to Spock, that isn’t vulcan. I don’t think I have ever seen him show emotion. My brother told me my mother died over the phone. And possibly then went to play golf. I may or may not have made the “golf” part up. At any rate, I am sure he was affected, but right now, that’s just a working theory. I have no real proof that my brother has emotions, much less shows them. Illogical.

I on the other hand, is what’s known as a “drama queen”. I have been known cry over a particularly moving restaurant commercials. I am not stupid in the least, but I am not exactly a brainiac. I am, however, a nerd. That’s right, a semi intelligent nerd. Illogical! In fact, I think I may have a fit of the vapors!!

My brother lives in a nice suburban area with his attractive wife (Ok, we are the same there, I have an attractive wife too! Suck it, conservatives!) and his cute kids who do activities like soccer and band and crawling after shiny things (the baby is only a year old). He works in his office and she works in the bank. They have investments and stability and older kids with their college already paid for. In short, they are, the American dream.

Ok. I am more like the American Ambian experience. I am a crunchy granola type. I ACTUALLY hug trees. Oh yes I do. I used to make all of my own housecleaning products and beauty products. I never met an incense I didn’t like. I bought my entire family “1001 thing you can do to save the earth” for Christmas one year. I am an earthy goddess woman and I live for flowy skirts, 1950’s retro and all things handmade. Unfortunately, I have spent the majority of my adult life trying to be my brother.

And I am failing. Because my brother is really good at being him, but I am not. Yet, I have built a life in which I live in suburbia, with a son who is in cub scouts and a nice county job that pays decent and is stable. I have retirement and a lawn mower…. you get the picture. But none of it fits and I am bored and burnt out and reaching for something that I will never quite touch because it is foreign to who I am. And honestly, I don’t think I want it.

So. I feel like I need to start over. No clue how. I mean none. But I think this whole job thing is a lot more at this point than a novelty. I think I am at a point in which if I don’t make a change, I am going to look back when I am old and feel like I have wasted my entire life and die, full of regret.

Did I mention I am a “drama queen”?? So, this is where I am at. Still planning on the sculpture class and the camera and the handmade lotions. But seriously thinking that I need to change my career before it’s too late.

Anything else would be Illogical! Or something!



This day was full of suckage. Indeed there was much suckatude happening.

This is the problem with my current job. While it is somewhat in my field and pays decent, I am hating the person that I am becoming in this job. I have made my list of things that I want in my work, but here is a list of some of the qualities that my current job is bringing out in me:

~ Anger ~ inpatience ~ paranoia ~ control

That’s to name a few. Yet, I would be a fool to leave my job in this economy, when there is no gurantee that I would find a different job.


Yeah. Right. I suppose I am just having a bad day, really. I have been looking over my list and trying not to feel hit over the head with the amount of things on that list that do not jive with my current job.

About 7 months ago, I had the opportunity to switch jobs. The problem is that the new job would have been about a 7k pay cut. I hemmed and hawwed and eventually, I did not take the new job (obviously!). About 3 months after I turned down this job, my current job offered a “buyout”. 25% of your current salary and you had to be gone by the first of the year. A great deal if you are young, going back to school, moving out of the area, retiring, or if you have another job lined up.

None of these things apply to me, unfortunately. I did have another job opportunity during that time, but I didn’t get the job.

Now, I have turned down one job and lost another and did not take the financial opportunity to get “unstuck” and I am feeling trapped. This is awful on 2 levels. First of all, who wants to feel trapped, right? But second of all I feel guilty because, as my manager is quick to point out, there are thousands of people who would probably sell their blood for the chance to feel “trapped” in my job.

But is the economy and guilt really a good reason to stay in a job that is bringing out the worst in your personality? That’s a good question. I think that it’s a good enough reason not to walk away without another job. But what about taking a lesser paying job? This assumes that a lesser paying job would present itself. Of course, I HAD a lesser paying job all lined up and ready to go, yet I turned it down.

The fact of the matter is that most social workers don’t make as much as I do. This means that I would walk out of my job and, if I stay in my current career, I would take a pay cut, period.

I am talking myself in circles. In case you hadn’t noticed. But I think I am back to my central point. All of this is pointless if you don’t know what it is that you like to do, or want to do.

I think that the bottom line is that I do not like being a social worker, but I’m good at it.

Now what?

The job. Day 2.

Ok, well, it’s been more than 2 days since my last post but you get the gist.

So I have been looking over that lists and looking at some of the things that I listed. Some of the qualities that I listed are not relevant in terms of a job search. For example, I am 40 years old. I am probably not going to be a professional performer at this point, or a professional musician. Not because 40 year olds don’t do these things, but because the sacrifices that I would have to make in order to be even remotely successful are too much. And the truth is that I would likely not be more than remotely successful. Not worth it.

To take a small detour quickly, I watched Julie & Julia last night. Cute movie. Not the point. I was watching this movie and was struck by the life of Julia Child and how she made a career out of doing something she loved and how lucky she was to be able to do that. And I guess that is the one thing that is missing on my list. Simple, I would like to be doing something that I love.

I don’t know that I would say that I love what I am doing. I don’t hate it, as I said it’s a decent job. But I like many other starry-eyed world savers, got into Social Work because I wanted to help people. As I have told countless people since then, If you really want to help people, get a job that makes a lot of money and 1) donate and 2) volunteer. THAT is the recipe to help people. If you want to instead be trapped up in endless yards of red tape and maybe sort of help one out of every 100 people who you come in contact with then go get your license to practice social work and dive in!

If you’d like to know where to sign up, just email me! Try to resist my enticing description! I should write for the local schools program catalog!!

Eh. It’s true though. Social workers burn out early and fast, and there is a reason for that.

Anyway, this is more about focusing on what I want than dwelling on what is wrong with what I have. So. The first thing I think I need to do is free up some time to try doing some things that I love.

With that though, I have given up one of the 2 days I am working my second job. It doesn’t sound like a lot, but you know, baby steps.

I am going to try 2 new things to start. I am going to take a sculpting class at the arts center and try to get back in touch with my creativity and I am going to start making some of my own, all natural “beauty” products… bath salts, lotions, massage oils, etc. I think I am going to try to sell them, too. We’ll see.

That is my short term goal. My long term goal? Purchase a really nice digital SLR camera and give my old one to the Child. Then take him out and take pictures. We can then work together to clean up the shots and pick out our favorites. The goal being to express some creativity and maybe change how we view the world.

Plus, the child will have a BLAST! Which is what it’s all about, anyway!!!

The Job. Day one.

Ok, let’s get this party started!

I said I was going to focus on work, first, didn’t I? So let’s do that.

I am not miserable win my job. On the contrary, in many ways I have an awesome job. That said, keeping it until I retire would not be the worst thing in the world. But lately, I am feeling my age. When I was 20, everything was limitless possibilities and the question of “what will I be” was still undetermined. At 25 or 30, I could still change careers. I guess I feel like the older I get, the more “locked” into my profession I am. Logically, though I know this is not true. I know that at 60, I could start painting and redefine myself as a painter. I could retire as a social worker and start a second career as a baker at 65. Life truly IS limitless possibilities, so I think that the first thing I want to do is list all of the things that I am good at. I also want to list things that I would love to do if money were not an issue. And finally, values that are important to me that I would like to reflect in my work.

Ok. So. Things I am good at:

I can sing
I can write
I can analyze work
I can communicate ideas effectively
I am computer literate
I am an excellent public speaker and enjoy a crowd
I can play music
I am extensible schooled in Mental Health
I am an excellent case manager
I can prioritize
I can bake
I can problem solve effectively
I can promote teamwork and morale
I am creative
I am a leader
Knowing and understanding people
Helping people maximize their strengths

I may go back and add to this list. This is a work in progress

So, if Money were not an issue:

I would paint, or draw or do something else artistic that I am not good at
I would spend more time playing and writing music
I would work on a community garden
I would bake
I would write
I would read
I would provide support and feedback to anyone who asked for it
I would learn a new skill, such as pottery or knitting
I would create my own cleaning products and skin care products
I would cook from scratch

Again, I may add to this at a later time

Finally, What values are important to me that I would like to reflect in my work:

I would like to be encouraging and empowering women
I would like to be supporting the creative process
I would like to be able to feel peaceful and have others feel that as well
I would like to make enough to support my family
I would like to show respect for the earth
I would like to be able to lead by example
I would like those I serve to leave feeling better than when they started
I would like to have enough flexibility to be there for my family.

Again, by no means an exhaustive list.
Ok, so I need to look all of this over and see what it tells me about where I am and what I want or would ultimately be happy with. I can already see some areas in which my current job is in conflict with my values. But more on


Goals goals goals… Goals are one of those things that I have always attributed to the Olympics… like “hey what’s your goal” “Well, I’m training for the Olympics!”

 Yeah. Here’s a memo… I will never be anywhere near the Olympics.

 That’s said, I am in desperate need of some goals. And not just the New Years resolution kind. I need the “wow this actually made a change” kind.

 So, here is my issue. I’m lazy. Ok, that’s not entirely true. My real issue is that I overwhelm myself. I could come up with any number of goals right now and I can guarantee you that they would not be any where near obtainable.

So, if the above content has bored you already, then you are about to be bored even further, because I am thinking that I am going to use this space to document my goals and the way I plan on achieving them. But the first thing I need to do is to clarify exactly what it is I want.

 This is going to be a feat in and of itself, so for goal number one, I am going to take the next week and every day, tackle a different area in my life and clarify it. When I am all done, I am going to look it over and develop some realistic goals based on what I figure out from this process.

Sound good? Ok, then.

 Tomorrow, I am going to tackle my job/career. That should be fun.

Or something.